I am really ashamed to say that I have nothing to write about in this blog, because nothing interesting happened to me in the last couple weeks. Nothing! My life has been devoid of anything even resembling interesting.
To demonstrate this fact, I present for you a few selected, extremely boring excerpts during the past days.
December 17th:
While driving home from taking my niece to school I was kidnapped by aliens... again. Apparently Borga, the three-breasted queen of the Pralanxian Amazons, wasn't done with me yet.
The last time she abducted me, I'd told her how it was going to be. I was looking for a woman who was willing to commit and settle down to building a life together. Plus, even if she was willing, my parents would definitely have a problem with the fact that she wasn't moslem. And, on top of it all, she never called after an abduction, just expecting that I'd somehow know how much it meant to her. I told her if she couldn't respect my feelings, she'd just have to find some other plaything.
I put my foot down this time and steadfastly refused to let her satisfy my every sexual need, so she had me beamed back to my car and I went home.
December 19th:
Someone planted a bomb in my car. Fortunately, it didn't manage to go off as I accidently spill my coke onto it which makes a short circuit to the bomb's batteries. But I missed Isman's book launch.
December 21th:
Alexis, my old adversary in the KGB from my days with the MI6, called to tell me that she was going to be in town tonight. She's been undercover in a convent for the last six months and wanted to "release some tension," or so she called it.
I told her I couldn't because I've another appointment with Meta, another fellow blogger who promised me to gave a lot of cool CDs.
Oh, Alexis begged and pleaded, saying she was being sent off on another mission tomorrow and that this was her only window of opportunity. She even offered to do a two-on-one with one of her friends, Ekaterina, who is a former Miss Moscow '97.
But what was I supposed to do? You just can't refuse really cool CDs.
December 24th:
Borga won't leave me alone. She doesn't realize that she just can't buy me. Anyway, an 800 carat diamond ring would be too ostentatious.
We spoke over the special communications device she had installed in my cell phone and I told her that I wouldn't accept the ring because my government prohibit marriage between different species.
December 26th:
My latest experiment in particle physics allowed me to not only prove the existence of the Top Quark, but I discovered that there's a secondary quark quantum linked to it in another space-time dimension. Following that discovery, I found that by proper manipulation of the spin velocity of the Top Quark, I could transmit messages to scientists in the alternate universe who had been watching for just that activity.
We talked for a while and agreed to exchange scientific data. They promised to tell me how to cure cancer if I told them how to get black ink stains out of a linen tablecloth. But, apparently they don't have club soda in their universe and were so angry they terminated the conversation.
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And there you have it, folks. Just one tedious day after another. Hopefully next time I'll have something exciting to write about, like more stuff about television or muscular aches, because we all know that's what really makes life groovy.
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