Amazingly, I'm back after some weeks. I was apparently ruffled some feathers out there, so don't be surprised if you open this blog one day and there's a big "This Space for Rent" sign occupying this http address.
On a related note, I would like to take this opportunity to point out that nothing you read here should be taken seriously. More importantly, if you've read me in the past and were offended, DON'T READ ME AGAIN! Is that really so difficult? Seriously, if you don't think I'm funny (which I'm not), if you think I'm immature (which I can be at times) or if you just plain hate me (probably deservedly so), STOP READING!
And since Eidul Fitri's spirit is still on the air, I'd like to apologize for what I might've done wrong throughout this year. Also to those idiots I've been calling "idiots" for doing idiotic things, I'm sorry you idiot. Don't worry, you've all my forgiveness.
But seriously, have you ever noticed there are idiots out there and specifically more of them on the highway? I don't mean this in a bad way. I've just heard many driver refer to other drivers as "idiots." And I've met them personally, especially after driving Jakarta-Surabaya through southern-way for mudik(1) last week.
"Look at that idiot," they say. "His turn signal has been on for 30 minutes." Someone who runs a red light is almost certainly an idiot. Perhaps even a stupid idiot (as opposed to a smart idiot). Someone who drives faster than about 120 km/hour is also an idiot. So is somone who drives under the speed limit.
Somehow, no matter how hard you look on the highway, you'll never find a genius. With so many idiots out there, you'd expect to find at least one genius. But I have yet to see a cop pulling over a perfect driver to shake her hand. I have yet to hear a driver say, "Did you see that guy? He just made a perfect turn. He's a genius." Even if a woman drives her entire life without a single traffic violation, no one will bring it up at her funeral. No one will say, "Sisca was such a good driver. The highway will never be the same."
Unfortunately, the highway has only two types of drivers: normal drivers and idiots. Once you're an idiot, it's tough to become a normal driver. Especially if your insurance company has moved you to the idiot class. You make one mistake, cause one accident, and suddenly you're paying much more for car insurance than rent. To save you some trouble, the insurance company asks you to mail your paycheck directly to them. "We can spend it more wisely," they say. "You're an idiot."
Realizing you can't afford to have another accident, you decide to be extra-cautious on the road. You hesitate when merging with traffic. You resist passing an old-bread-loaf-shape car. You even stop at a yellow light. Guess what? You're an idiot again. The driver behind you is certain of this. He honks and yells, "Go, you idiot. What are you stopping for?" Before long, you forget all about your accident -- you're only human -- and you turn into Michael Schumacher again. You drive so fast, you even manage to pass trailer trucks. But your luck runs out again and a cop pulls you over. He listens to your excuse: "I'm sorry, officer. I'm an idiot." The cop has no sympathy. He just smiled. He has already ticketed 89 other idiots (and earned millions of rupiah one day alone).
Some thought the speed limit was only for people with cheap cars. Others were trying to save gas. A few were certifiable idiots: They were in a hurry to get to their in-laws. Your insurance company gets word of your ticket and cancels your policy. They'd rather insure Mike Tyson. Now you're stuck being an idiot. Everyone sees you thumbing a ride. And drivers like me just smile. I know what it's like to be an idiot. I once ran into a wrong lane by my own fault: not seeing the cop standing in the corner. This accident almost put me in the Idiot Hall of Shame. Fortunately Rp 10.000 could bail me out. Yes, the cop is an idiot.
Considering how many idiots are on the highway, it's a wonder normal people drive with them. It would make more sense to erect new signs on the highway: "Left lane reserved for idiots." The left lane would be packed, leaving the right lane safe for your great-grandmother.
As for me, normal driver, I'd rather keep the roads safe. As for you, idiot driver, I've nothing more to say but, see you again tommorrow!
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(1) Mudik is... well, you know, mudik is going back to your origin and... uhm... get to meet your ancestor?... but not necessary... euh... HEY, A FLYING COW OVER THERE!!!
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